Been sick this week

Just been bored lieing around the house. Genius spilled Theraflu into my lap on Tuesday and now I have this giant patch of scalded skin. He gets so dam excited that he is just impossible to control anymore. He bit the tablecloth and puled it off the dining room table, and all my dishes and tea sets just went crashing to the floor. None of it can be salvaged.

I just have been thinking about why God domesticated these animals to live savagely among us. There is something barbarric about it, isn't there? I need to get the broom and sweep up the dish fragments because he keeps looking at them and whinning like its my fault.

63% of Grain Eaters have No Use for Microwave

It has been shown by many scientific studies that humans do not care what they put in there bodys anymore. These days, you could walk into a deli and order a chicken sandwich on grain bread and the clerk will look at you like your crazy. They say, "I think your better off ordering the steak sandwich with french fries or maybe I'll sneak you a donut under the counter. Yea, that's right, here comes the donut and no I won't tell a soul"

Maybe you go into your favorite breakfast joint and ask them to mix in a nice helping of grains into your morning milk glass. Good luck getting out of there with your skin. Oh, and maybe they'll serve you up a fried egg sandwich with cheese or some mor donuts to boot. Tell them thanks while your fatass rolls out the door. I can hear your arteries getting clogged more and more by the minute.

This nation has fallen out of love with grains and I am done with it. We should be eating more grains in EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. WE EVEREAT. At night, I make a few grain cakes and sprinkle them with barley and a bit of nutmeg for taste. If I am hungry in the middle of the night, I wake myself up and construct a grain wafer from oats and any other protein or cereals I can find before finally finishing the wafer in bed. Rices, barleys, corns and ryes can be blended into a nice grain stew that makes six to eight servings. If the grains are simmered and seasoned just right, this is a stew that will turn a few heads. A hearty grain broth is a nectar that only the gods would be fit to taste, but your just making it in your own kitchen. You will be the envy of your neighborhood with these broths and you will be amazed at what juices and nutrients can be extracted from a series of well slelected grains. The healing powers of grains can cure a common sickness and have even regenerated human organs in a few rare cases.

You can also try rhubarb stalks dipped in cornmeal and my grandmothers seed muffins, but I am not saying you need a 100% grain diet. Try swallowing a few seeds of grain every morning until you get used to it. If your grilling a steak or chicken, coat the meats with grain seed or inject them into the center with a baster. Some specialty stores sell special grain cubes that can be dissolved into a nice soup or bottle of sports drink. The point is GET THE GRAINS IN ANYWAY YOU CAN and if that means kicking some butt at your favorite restaurant then so be it.

For your sake, for your kids sake, click this link to read the United States Drug Administrations report on grain consumption and how it is out of control. I have read very little of this now that I have a job, but the warning signs are there. Thanks and God bless.

You Call This a Pipe Dream?

Tim, you do know that de Vinci spent much of his life in poverty and that much of his genius wasn't realized until after his death, don't you? So I'm perfectly Ok with not getting the recognition I deserve at the moment. However, it's very likely that I'll be hitting it big like Ron Popeal very soon. Your right though. I could probably make a boatload of money if I went back to selling grains out of my trunk, but that wouldn't be pursuing a pipe dream would it? 

You'll have to forgive me if I hold myself to a high standard, Tim. Wicker was my life. My life is in ashes. Ashes to ashes, man. Move on with it. Make something new for life. Create. Invent. Take notes, Tim: 

I have gotten a new job

Today is a great day. Today I have been hired as an Information Technology specialist at First National Bank of Iowa. Basically, I got the job today because they felt I was the best guy for the job and now I have the salary to show for it. Basically, I will be the residant tech guy at the local branch and will just fix all of the problems that employees have with their computers.

This has been a long time coming for me and I probably didn't work as hard as I should have finding a job when I first moved back to Ames but all of the naysayers and my parents can shut their asses up this time. This job is just a new key to a 2nd chance on life for me. I have just been so grateful today as I keep realizing that I make more money than Karna now.

For teh most part, the branch I will work at is staffed by total idiots. The group of tellers on staff is this click of girls that think they are hilarious and spend all day laughing and hugging each other, not even knowing if there doing there job correctly. They were whispiring to each other as I walked out of the managers office today, covering their mouths and looking at me and then laughing and hugging some more. I walked up to them completely confident, shook their hands and just introduced myself. There mouths just hung open dumbfounded. I told them they had better get used to me being around because I am a confident person and a trusting person and that everything in my life is coming together at the right time. They just looked at each other dumbfounded, so I said they better pay attention to there teller window a little better so someone doesn't sneak up and rob their assses.

The manager is so fat, but he seems like a nice enough guy. Hey, he hired me right? You bet your asses off he did. I don't understand why it took him three months to call me back in after my interview, but it is better late than never because I had already given up on his fat

Man, it felt great walkign out of that bank today, the sun on my shoulders and a new lease. One of my first orders of business when I start work will be to order new computers for everyone because these people are still using XP and probably have malware infected all over the place. I will need to have a class and have everybody tell me what websites they are looking at on there break because all of that has got to stop right now. I start work next Monday, but I will probably go in tomorrow so I can get a handle on just how bad the situation is there.

Burt, why have you not been posting?

Tiger Woods: A Lesson in Eating Humble Pie

Lost in the hustle and bustle of the Olympics Games last week, Tiger Woods issued an apology to his fans, family, friends, golfers, and sponsorship prducts last Friday for crashing his car and ruining Thanksgiving last year. In case you'd forgotten, the facts of the case were this: One of Tiger's mistresses was chasing him down the street with a gold club causing him to crash his SUV truck into his house. His wife heard the commotion and came out of the house to find him beaten up by the mistress who called the police. The police arrived and gave Tiger mouth-to-mouth rescuscitation until he woke up and then issued him an order to stop seeing his mistresses. It was then revealed that other mistresses had also beaten Tiger up at other places beside his home. Since the incident on Thanksgiving, Tiger had been laying low (in a tiger's den you might ask? more on that later) writing his apology until last Friday when he read what he'd written.

Now, as a married man I couldn't help but sympathize with Tiger's wife. How would I feel if my wife all the sudden slept with 20 or 30 men and women? I would feel pretty rotten, to tell you the truth. And I bet she would feel the same way. And believe me I've had PLENTY of women try to have sex with me when I'm at the flea market or down at Husky's B&G and have had to beat them off with a stick, so I also know how Tiger feels. One time I was at the gym doing the bench press when this woman came up to me and said "I like your belt buckle" and I said "thank you." I never saw her agian which is probably for the best. I've never played golf, but it's practically the same motion as rowing so I bet I'd be pretty good. At least a par. Maybe more.

From what I've read about Tiger's apology though it seems like he didn't learn anything from his mistakes. No mention of driving classes or a donation the the DMV in Florida. No mention of thanking the police officer who put his lips to his and blew sweet oxygen back into his lungs so that his brain had air and didn't die. (At least take the guy to Chilis and buy him a burger or something.Come on, man.) No mention of thanking the people who set up the press conference for him. They did an amazing job of lighting the room and providing him with a suit to wear so the least he could do was say "appreciate it guys." Look at how bright that light is!:

 

But I guess that's my point. We live in a society where celebrities can just walk all over whoever they want,
toss a couple hundred dollar bills down at their faces in the mud, and say "go buy a rag and clean yourself up you disgusting animal". (Which is exactly what happened when I met Richard Marx one time at an autograph signing at the mall and asked him what it was like to be related to Groucho and Harpo and he said that I shouldn't be such a wise guy and had me thrown out of the pretzel shoppe. Needless to say, I don't approach many celebrities anymore.) If I tried to do that the person down in the mud would say "who the heck are you? Go clean yourself up buddy." And he would have every right to say that to me.

*Tiger was not hiding in a tiger's den.

2010 Winter Olympics: A Bastion of Stoner Snowboarders

As a former elite athlete myself I couldn't help but notice that the Olympics are being held again this year. Following a complex secret algorithm the IOC committee decided to hold the "Winter" version this year, which is a good thing because have you seen what the weathers like this time of year in Canada? Sheesh! Good call IOC! But if you flip on the TV hoping to see Fred Phelps swimming the breaststroke like he was a couple years ago, think again. As I said before, these are the "Winter" Olympics, so that means that droves of stoned "amateurs" have descended upon Vancouver to try to rob the world of its precious metals and then probably sell them to go buy more pot by flipping around on skis and snowboards and walking around high fiving eachother.

You'll have to forgive me if I sound a little bitter about this whole deal but as someone that trained for the better part of a summer in the 90's only to see my dreams snatched away by an unfortunate "gouging" incident during a rowing meet, I take sports a little more seriously than your average fan. I was offered pot once (also in College) but I said "No thanks. I think I'd rather keep my brain, Professor Vaulkner. By the way, pot's illegal. And it has proven side effects." But hey, I'm no square. If you want to smoke a bong and then go do flips all over a mountain, I say "good for you". But should we really be giving these "athletes" metals for it? You wanna try something difficult, Cheech Marin? Try rowing down a river for an hour or two. Then come talk to me.

I will say this though: the opening ceremony was a beautiful as ever. They had these four people standing around this big room holding these torches. One young woman in particular was the definition of poise (see left). Then after sevearl minutes of tension-building silence these three big pillars came out of the sky or the ground or something and then three of the four people lit the pillars on fire. They must've flipped coins beforehand to see who got to light the pillars. You should have heard the crowd going nuts. All nations. Every person. Some of the athletes. It was amazing. I didn't get to see it because my wife was watching reruns of ER, but I heard it was scintilating. Sometimes I wish they still did it Greco-Roman style though where they'd have the guy run the torch in from Mount Olympus but I guess was too expensive to get him to run all the way from Athens or something.

Also, I'll need to check the TV Guide, but you can bet that the Dream Team is going to mop the floor with whoever their playing this year. Slam Dunk!

Official Brain Fencing Rules and Regulations Bill of Rights

Preamble: 

We, Tim and Burt, in Order to form a more perfect Brain Fencing match, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide enlightenment for the common idiot, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Official Brain Fencing Rules and Regulations Bill of Rights.

Bill of Items:

1. No cursing. Cursing only demostrates a limited vocabulary and could incur fines from the FCC. 

2. No name calling. Sticks and stones break my bones and words are hurtful.

3. No shouting. BOLDING AND CAPITALIZING OF WORDS SHOULD BE KEPT TO AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM!!

4. Personal issues should not be discussed unless they pertain to the topic at hand, which they almost always do. 

5. If one of us has an ex-wife, the other person cannot call her whenever he wants, but only to discuss business ventures, personal things, and common subjects, such as the whether. Ex-wives are strictly off limits, both professionally and privately. Karna is not to be discussed in any comments going forward. Burt is never to mention her or talk to her on the phone again unless Dondra is on the line. (Except under special circumstances, such as when Karna calls Burt or on holidays on his birthday every year). Also, Dondra can call Karna for Burt whenever. Tim may call Dondra. Wives, former and current, are off limits to both brain fencers. (Text messages are tolerable, if not encouraged.) Trinkets can be exchanged by snail mail. Tim doesn't want Dondra to text him. Dondra is not a brick wall. Fillibusters and trinkets are disallowed. If Tim wants to have a key party at his house, he can, but Burt, his best friend, is not allowed to attend. If Burt wants to give Karna a wicker footstool out of the kindness of his heart he should be allowed to do so. Both Karna and Dondra deserve all the respect an ex-wife and wife deserve.

*Ratified 2/12/10

Burt Dangley:

Tim Sardepartment:                             

6. Brain Fencing matches should be focused and well thought out. Whenever possible, read the other persons argument, discuss it with yourself in private, and then invalidate it point by point. 

7. Outside parties are only welcome with consent of both Burt and Tim. The internet is not like TV where just everybody can have thier say. 

8. Jokes are appropriate only when funny. 

9. The winner of each match is decided by he who wins the argument. Thus, if you win the argument but feel the other person actually had better points, you can award him the winner. 

10. Debates will go on as long as they have to--until brain death!